So, today its been a good day, I really thought about a lot today, as well as the last couple of days, I though about my life and were it is headed and were I want it to be. I thought about the things that have happened and things I want to happen. Well truth is I haven't been myself for a while. I get glimpses of me, every once in a while but I never come back and well I want too.
I have always wanted to be a good person and I was once, for a long time I was the sweetest guy in the world. If you needed something and you were a complete stranger I would still help you out. Money, a new computer, books for school, you name it. Somewhere along the line I started to say no, not because I couldn't do it. But simply cause I didn't want to be Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I wanted to thing my way and decided that instead of getting them through peace and love I would get them through deceit, that I would get them with force. It was wrong of me to think this way.
I miss me, I miss like my parents used to call me Danielito, he was sweet maybe a little naive, but sweet. Maybe it was the loss of someone close that made me close up, maybe it was going to Iraq, maybe it was going to Afghanistan, or maybe it was just life and time itself. maybe I was bound to change this way. Either way I am not here to blame an event or a day, or for that matter, life for what I turned into. I blame myself. If I had been stronger I wouldn't be in this situation. If I would have been awake and not oblivious to me and my surrounding I would have noticed I have turned into the one thing I never wanted too. I turned into someone incapable of showing compassion and love, of showing grace, forgiveness, and most of all some one who could never take care of himself and tell himself he was worth something.
So what do you do about it all? What can you do about the things you have lost, the things you miss, in yourself, and in your life. some people loose everything, they loose their families, they loose their friends, the one person that could have made their lives more enjoyable, the chance of love. These are the people that you see with broken spirits, the people that will never open again.
Well,you know it is true what they say though, its never to late to change. I need change and it has already started. I am not saying I am a different man yet, but I will be, one day. Soon too. I wont let years go by and not do something different, I wont let my life fly by me and not have anything to show for. I intend on trying all that I can.
I was blessed you see, I had a person come into my life like no other, she believe in me, and for a while I was good, at the beginning I was doing really well. But I started to fade away back to old ways and old habits, bad habits. I need to find myself but couldn't and in the wake of it all I lost her, but not before she would point out the person I had become. It took a second to realize. For nights I wondered what I had done, and the answers were so obvious I just didn't want to see them. But she made me see them and then she left. She couldn't be in a place that was hurting her, and I needed to realize that I couldn't keep hurting her. Not when she was the person I had come to love more then any other before her. I never even meet her in flesh but my feelings for her were real and still are.
Because of all of that I hope that one day I will have the courage to meet her face too face, and tell her I am sorry for everything. I want to be able to not just tell her I changed but show her. I wont lie I want her back and maybe if I change she will to, but I would take just her seeing that she changed my life for the better. I plan on one day showing up at her step and showing her that change is possible we just need the right nudge from the right person. I want to make the first night I meet her one of her happiest memories ever. and when it all comes down too it. I want her to know only one thing that the guy she made change, and helped change, will always be in love with her. And he will always be waiting for her. For as long as my hear can bear the pain of loosing her then I will always remember the her and never let go of that hope.
That is why I chose this title because this is the title she named her blog's when she was having troubles finding herself, and seeing as I am chasing the dream of what I used to be, I figured it was just as appropriate. The Picture is that of El Yunque in Puerto Rico, and is the only Tropical Rain Forest in the US. The Reason I chose it was because I was once told that dreams can come true here, so even though I cant be there now, maybe this part of my life can be my "El Yunque".
So, how am I going to do it? With the good support system of God, my family and friends, and then my Co-worker I guess you can call them that, but in the army, we are family. I will treat all of them with respect, not yell at them or cuss at them, and for that matter I will never do that too anyone else either. I am going to be kind and giving. I am going to find the God, my God, that I lost, cause praying isn't the same it used to be. I don't think I have felt him in my life in a long time with the presence he used to have in my life.
This is just the tip but I have to start somewhere and my attitude seems like as good as start as any, every day I will come her and write in my Journal, and with Every post I will get another picture of El Yunque and this will be my trail. Maybe one day it will be found, maybe someone, someday will come across it and see it, and it will be their push to look at themselves and notice their lives and how they are closing up , and this can be their inspiration to start their trail.
Either way their is really only one person I hope that finds this one day, If it is here or in a book, or were ever it might be, I hope she finds this and See's that all along I loved her, I just was wrong in my ways and couldn't show it at the time.
To conclude with my feelings I dream of her and I every night. I dream of the way I will see her. I know the song I want to be in the background when I see her, you know that song by "Red Jumpsuit Apparatus" called "Your Guardian Angel"? That's what I want to be playing in the back ground maybe even as awesome as to being played in the background by an actual band, made up of a couple of guys trying to make a buck to be able to give them something and show her the lengths I will go for her. How much I want her, and I love her. Beside doing this for myself, for my life, and for the people I love. I only hope I can change and do it all in time, for us to be together again. and make her the happiest women I know, and the happiest women in the world every day of her life.
"When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong
I have figured out
How this world turns cold
and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find
deep inside me
I can be the one
I will never let you fall(let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all(though it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Cause you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven"
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